The psychosexual realm of humiliation

A few months ago, Jane Boon, author of Edge Play and FemDom Fancier, was in Paris, and over lunch, we started talking about different FemDom styles. This is one of my favorite topics, and I consider myself a “Hippie Cerebral” Domina. My approach to erotic humiliation includes the understanding my subject is not a loser but someone who is excited by being called a loser. I wouldn’t want to have a session with someone I didn’t like. However, I would very much like to repeatedly activate a psychological switch in a submissive. If a range of mockery does that, I will do that.

This conversation got me thinking about the mindful way one can approach humiliation by better understanding some of the “whys” of sexual humiliation. Like most BDSM activities, what appears to be mean is a form of connecting. Here are just a few modes of humiliation that may help you put some context to the practice. 

Erotic humiliation bridging sex and fear

My experience is antidotal and niche, but after almost three decades, I feel comfortable in saying people sexualize their fears. The fear of humiliation, embarrassment, and social anxiety crosses cultures. We fear not being accepted. Strangely, this fear can be titillating. 

As the fear of humiliation crosses over into titillation, it changes to something vulnerable. What a strange convergence when one’s fear of not being accepted is accepted in all its glory. Naturally, the nuances differ for each person. Take this difference into account with each pre-scene negotiation. 

Oftentimes, erotic humiliation takes the form of roleplay with a psychological power dynamic: Student-Teacher, Patient-Doctor, Employee-Boss, or the classic Mistress-Slave.

Social conditioning

Why would anyone want to be humiliated? For many, erotic humiliation is a hard limit, both for tops and bottoms, often experiencing sexual shame for exploring BDSM in the first place. Of course, you want to uplift your partner, not tear them down. What if I told you that you probably already humiliate your partner and friends regularly?

Teasing, joking, and “ribbing” your friends are typical ways to interact and create social bonds. Trip while walking? Let’s laugh about your “two left feet” for a few minutes while you shake it off. Unfortunately, we all know someone who takes it too far into bullying and mockery. The art in this social interaction is making the good intentions felt with the delivery. The great value in social teasing is to say, “I see your vulnerability, I accept it, and you are safe in this social group.”

Erotic humiliation can serve a similar purpose in connection, and isn’t that what all sexual interaction is about? Connection. Suppose one regards sexual humiliation as acknowledging one’s partner’s vulnerability while also allowing them space to be vulnerable. In that case, it will enable them to relax further into the safe space of vulnerability. Perhaps someone wants a lot of verbal dressing down. It could come from experience with a caring sibling who loved and protected them but “picked on” them relentlessly. As one develops one’s “sex map,” evolving influences on someone’s sexuality, per Jay Wiseman, different associations are made with how to express affection.

Taking power as a submissive over the trauma

***TW: this article discusses consensual race play ***

Indeed, not all those who practice kink and BDSM come from a place of trauma, but kinky bedroom play can also be a valuable tool in processing and owning a traumatic experience. 

Racial humiliation is, rightly, a hard limit for most dominas. No one wants to see themselves as a racist. But racism exists, and it can be traumatic for those who experience it, causing lasting emotional damage. In the right, emotionally supportive setting, racial roleplay creates a safe situation for the subject to experience and, in a way, control the humiliation experienced. Intense negotiation with the submissive is compulsory to be a healing scene rather than something that further harms.

The trauma that plagues someone’s mind can be performed safely in the hands of a skilled provider. In these scenarios, the boundary between “real life” and role-play creates the play as a safe place that ends, giving the traumatized person power over their experiences.

Don’t let it go too far.

What makes humiliation work is recognizing the other person and how far one can go. The dominant must communicate well with the submissive and read the submissive’s reactions in play to know what works and what does not.

Where does erotic humiliation fit in with your sexual journey?

Ready for some more kinky exploring? Schedule a video call with me to assist you and your partner in your exploration. If you are in Paris, you can see me in person.