The following discussion of Neurodivergence and BDSM is an excerpt from my updated BDSM Philosophy and Kink Psychology page. Still, I feel it deserves its own spotlight in my blog as well as some expanded thoughts and quotes. With the ongoing neurodivergency conversation, it is worth it to point out how it can go hand in hand with BDSM and kink games as well as other countercultures.

As the stigma of kink and neurodivergence fades, it is more than time to talk about how the two are related. Not everyone who is into the “leather spicy” is “neuro-spicy,” just as not all kinks stem from trauma. In my practice and life, I have noticed definite correlations. With a small amount of reflection, it makes perfect sense. ADHD, Autism, GAD, and OCD find a safe place in the kink world. Neurodivergence and BDSM may be an “egg and chicken” situation. Are neurodivergent people attracted to BDSM, or is the scene itself something manifested by these people to accommodate their specific needs?

In “Autism, Sexuality, and BDSM,” Ariel E. Pliskin writes:

Autistic people may be freer from gender norms than allistic people, resulting in both benefits and challenges. Reviewing 15 theories explaining repeated findings of high rates of transgender identity among autistic people, reviewers found the most evidence for explanations based on resistance to social norms and less pronounced sex differences between autistic people (80 Ought. Volume 4, Issue 1 Fall 2022 Wattel et al., 2022).

While there is evidence that children in the general population are rewarded for gender conformity from a young age (Chapman, 2015), there is also evidence that autistic children conform less to gender role expectations than their peers (Kallitsounaki & Williams, 2020). There is also evidence of less sex difference in the brain structure of autistic people compared to allistic people (Beacher et al., 2012).

These two groups, separate or not, can question why things are the way they are. What is gender, and why can’t I wear what I want? What good reason can you give why a man, woman, or anyone can’t wear lingerie? One good reason. The rules seem arbitrary, so why not make our own rules?

Taking Comfort while on the Autism Spectrum with Explicit Rules and Boundaries

Within a scene, there is a structure of very defined rules. There is a definite volume control on what is nuanced and what is black and white, and if the players are ethical, it is all discussed beforehand. The rules of the game are clear. Even when the game is supposed to be unfair and random, we contain these imbalances within specific contexts and areas.

“When Autistic people are at the reins of event planning, we can craft environments [such as BDSM gatherings] that are tailored to our sensory and social needs. In small, mask-free subcultures that are created and maintained by Autistic people, we get a glimpse of what a society that truly accepts neurodiversity might look like” (Price, 2022, p. 202).”

BDSM communication is, in many ways, nonjudgmental yet obvious. Consent is always explicit.

In the article, “Consenting to constraint: BDSM therapy after the DSM-5,” Professor of Philosophy Bernard Andrieu writes:

Playing a dominant, guiding role in these practices, the domme (dominatrix, mistress, domina, domme, pro-domme when it is the person’s professional activity) often sees herself as a therapist who replaces psychic work with bodywork. . . .The bedrock of BDSM practice, in a therapeutic setting as well as within the community, is consent. BDSM can be a psychotherapeutic object for the sub as well as for the dom/me. BDSM practice comprises modifications of the meaning of one’s bodily experience through consensual constraint. BDSM does not necessarily involve pain (especially when we consider that pain is relative, and that pain can be physical and/or psychological);

It’s not a long walk to understand fetishism as an expression of hyperfocus. In a kink environment, a passion for leather or boots or latex or some minor detail, ignored by most, is celebrated.

If we take a moment to understand neurodivergent players and the need for “stimming,” a lot of BDSM activities, which on the surface appear deviant or perverse, are, in reality, an individual’s need for specific stimulation. A bondage enthusiast might often mention either a need for compression or being stretched and opened. Bondage becomes a type of embrace that quiets an otherwise fidgety body.

Masochists often differentiate between “good pain” and “bad pain.” Which is always important to comprehend in a negotiation. I consider them separate buttons. One type of pain gives positive feedback, while the other can lead to negative overstimulation.

Conclusion of Neurodivergence and BDSM

My experience is entirely anecdotal, but the repeated and constant occurrence of Neurodivergence in the kink lifestyle and activities. It is helpful to consider this information in creating custom scenes for each interpersonal relationship. BDSM lies outside social norms and creates its own rules. It is also important to realize that when someone overly defines what is “correct” BDSM, it can omit too many play partners and ultimately a diversity of experience.

The best approach to Neurodivergence in kink scenes is to have firm but flexible boundaries, to understand the other person’s specific needs, and find where all of your needs meet up and forgo where they do not match.

Further reading:

Pliskin, Ariel E. (2022) “Autism, Sexuality, and BDSM,” Ought: The Journal of Autistic Culture: Vol. 4: Iss. 1, Article 9. DOI: 10.9707/2833-1508.1107

Price, D. (2022). Unmasking autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Harmony Books.

La contrainte consentie : après le DSM-5, quelle thérapie BDSM ?
L’Évolution Psychiatrique, Volume 84, Issue 2, April–June 2019, Pages 261-276
Bernard Andrieu, Claire Lahuerta, Asia Luy