Games of Trust
My BDSM Philosophy and Kink Psychology
The Science of Femdom
I often allude, many times on this very website, in fact, to BDSM being a type of “sorcery.” In reality, I base my techniques on psychological and biological reactions. The most basic of which is, for example, spanking or flogging. A slow warm-up causes blood vessels to expand just under the surface of the skin, in turn causing this section of your body to become “pink and warm.” You may find this experience somewhat dull, but the “pink and warm” patch indicates a significantly reduced chance of marking. As long as I am on target and increase the intensity with very slow increments, marks are prevented simply by coaxing the body to protect itself.
Your body also begins releasing adrenaline to compensate for the pain, allowing me to up the intensity as you experience the pain differently. Restricted movement, i.e., bondage, amplifies this phenomenon. And this is the point where it gets really interesting.
It’s not just pain for the sake of pain. It never was. I am now in control of your body, causing an increasing amount of adrenaline to pump through your system. Contrasting sensations of caresses add endorphine into the mix. I am now effectively getting you drunk on a cocktail of your own making. A runner’s high while remaining in place, if you will.
More important than the pain is the induced “amygdala hijack,” which causes the body to go into “fight or flight.” But with my technique, you flow into a third category, fawn. You feel dreamy, drunk, and submissive, ready to appease and please me. Now everyone is happy.
Benevolently Biohacking Your Adrenal Gland
My crafted cocktail consists of adrenaline, endorphins, and oxytocin. I try to use the least amount of cortisol, the stress hormone released in response to situations where you are unsure of your safety. Strangely enough, it’s very addictive, like gambling, and probably a good business model–for other dominas. I believe this to be unethical and bordering on actual abuse, not healing or even fun. But this is me. This is why I insist on smooth, gentle transitions in my scenes.
In this example, I use corporal as the activity. We can achieve this with other BDSM activities, but when you wonder why masochists are the way they are, there you go.
The Art of Femdom
My whimsical femdom daydreams consist of gallant knights, strong cowboys, and refined gentlemen who take the acts of service like a religion. These are the fanciful pillars of my BDSM philosophy.
That brings me to the greatest story ever told, The Princess Bride.
What better core memory than to imagine oneself as a beautiful maiden playfully tormenting the “farmboy.”
Romance and the Noble Submissive
She says, “Farmboy, do this.”
He says, “As you wish.”
Eventually, Buttercup is surprised to learn that whenever Westley says “as you wish,” what he is really saying is “I love you.”
And then he chops wood. Everyone is happy.
The Princess Bride is a whimsical and optimistic tale. It gave my developing mind permission to appreciate the idea of a man who enjoyed serving a woman.
“My life is very monotonous,” the fox said. “I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat…”
The fox gazed at the little prince for a long time.
“Please—tame me!” he said.
–Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
Renaissance Dominatrix M
Bespoke Games of Trust: Creating Safe Places for Dark Fantasies
Neurodivergence and BDSM
As the stigma of kink and neurodivergence fades, it is more than time to talk about how the two are related. Not everyone who is into the “leather spicy” is “neuro-spicy,” just as not all kinks stem from trauma. In my practice and life, I have noticed definite correlations. With a bit of reflection, it makes perfect sense.
Within a scene, there is a structure of very defined rules. There is a definite volume control on what is nuanced and what is black and white, and, if the players are ethical, it is all discussed beforehand. The rules of the game are clear. Even when the game is supposed to be unfair and random, we contain these imbalances within specific contexts and areas.
BDSM communication is, in many ways, nonjudgmental yet incredibly clear. Consent is always explicit.
It’s not a long walk to understand fetishism as an expression of hyperfocus. In a kink environment, a passion for leather or boots or latex or some minor detail, ignored by most, is celebrated.
If we take a moment to understand neurodivergent players and the need for “stimming,” a lot of BDSM activities, which on the surface appear deviant or perverse, are in reality an individual’s need for specific stimulation. A bondage enthusiast might often mention either a need for compression or being stretched and opened. Bondage becomes a type of embrace that quiets an otherwise fidgety body.
Masochists often differentiate between “good pain” and “bad pain.” Which is always important to comprehend in a negotiation. I consider them separate buttons. One type of pain gives positive feedback, while the other can lead to negative overstimulation.
Solace in Ritual
About a year ago, I was having a pleasant chat over tea with a fellow kinkster. We have known each other for over 20 years and often share our explorations and revelations.
“I think I should come out of the closet as a high protocol domina,” I mentioned just offhandedly.
“Wow,” He replied with mock surprise. “That must be the shallowest closet ever.”
I was initially quite miffed at his quip and dropped some ideas of unpleasant (to him) torments. Of course, he knew I was joking as well, but there are moments when you are faced with others seeing you for who you are before you even know it.
"It wasn't a song. It was her. She was stuck in my head."
-Unknown
I have always been one for order and regulation. Doesn’t it make sense to keep things in a certain way? Doesn’t it make sense to have the steps one takes at each moment? “High protocol” to me was someone who made “silly rules” in a game of catching the other to be punished. My rules make sense. It’s just common sense when you see them. Right? Perhaps, but it’s not so apparent to others, much to my dismay. In the end, I will have to take my own space on the spectrum, somewhere in the realm of manageable but obvious OCD.
This is not a negative thing at all, but beneficial in ritual creation.
What do I get out of all of this?
Yes, I am aware that every erotic story and all the femdom porn on The Hub tells you that female dominants are selfish and violently use others for their own desires and satisfactions. It’s definitely fun to be that person for a few hours at a time. I don’t become aroused in session. It’s much more cerebral for me. I genuinely like people and love to solve their puzzle of kink.
Not the sexual orgasm you might wish for, but I have a different, selfish goal when I play. The Flow state of consciousness can be achieved for me in a session with the appropriate connection. Some call it “the zone” or peak performance awareness. A state of Flow is defined as the perfect balance of challenge and aptitude. It’s as if my attention and awareness are greatly expanded, and I can see all possibilities. When in this state, I can pick up on everything, and the most incredible BDSM scenes happen.
This state of consciousness is, to put it bluntly, addicting. I also experience different versions of this when I am distance running or in a boxing match: the same principle, but with different feelings.
Tieing It All Together
Oh, and my rules do make sense. You should always follow them.