Of the kink cliches, the one I wish the most to stomp on, bury, throw in the bin, and set that bin on fire, is the “fuzzy handcuff” symbol of being kinky. Often found in dusty boxes in the back of lower-end “novelty stores” in the 90s and still, somehow, given as gag gifts to this day. These still prevail as a throwback code-speak, “I bet she has some fuzzy handcuffs if you know what I mean. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge.”

Aside from being a hackneyed joke, the police cuffs are the worst entry into bondage. These so easily hurt beginners, leaving them scratching their heads over what all the fuss is about. For beginners who want to experiment without breaking the bank, makers like SportSheets have simple velcro cuffs that are surprisingly sturdy and won’t injure someone’s wrist. Sexier still, one can find inexpensive but well-crafted leather cuffs by small producers on Etsy.

“But, Mistress,” you say, “I’m not a beginner and want something as sturdy as metal.”

Very well, darling, come sit closer to me and bring your wallet. Metal bondage is the most intense and can be the most comfortable, but only from an expert craftsman. One can find a wide selection of wrist and ankle cuffs and metal slave collars. The important things to look for are good sizing, wide bands of coverage, soft, rounded edges, and a quality finish (clear is acceptable) to protect the metal from the elements, as compromised metal can irritate the skin. Few things are as properly secure as being clipped or locked into metal. Prepare yourself to stay there for some time.

Contrary to their appearance, the menacing mediveal torture collars, cuffs, and shakels are often the safer bet. These items generally come from indepentant creators who consider how they feel during actual use. With these considerations they are less likely to cause damage.

“But Mistress, I really want to use the police-style handcuffs.”

Oh, dear. That officer who tossed you in the dunk tank during that regrettable university drinking bender must have been hot. Very well, then. If you must use these types of restraints, use the police cuffs that employ a stop swivel to keep the locking strand from closing in on its own. In romanticizing this experience, you may have forgotten the lingering nerve damage you had the following weeks.